Trevor Noah Interviews Stephen Colbert

Trevor Noah Interviews Stephen Colbert


YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT
AS THE GUY WHOSE FACE IS ON THEw BUILDING, PLEASE WELCOME STEPHEN
COLBERT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( THEME SONG PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( THEME SONG PLAYING )>>Stephen: OH, MY GOODNESS. WOW! I LOVE THAT BAND. I LOVE THAT BAND.>>Trevor: THAT WAS — I DON’T
THINK MY AUDIENCE CHEERED FOR YOU LIKE THEY WERE YOUR
AUDIENCE.>>Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT,
THAT’S WHY YOU’VE GOT THE BEST AUDIENCE IN THE WORLD RIGHT
THERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>I FEEL LIKE IT! WELCOME TO THE SHOW —
>>Stephen: I FEEL LIKE IT’S MY AUDIENCE. THANKS, MAN.>>A LOT OF YOU DON’T KNOW THIS
ABOUT YOU, BUT YOU ACTUALLY HAVE YOUR OWN LATE NIGHT SHOW.>>Stephen: RUMOR HAS IT,
YEAH.>>Trevor: AND YOU TAPE
USUALLY DURING THE DAY, RIGHT –>>Stephen: 5:30. BUT THERE ARE TIMES WHEN YOU
GO LIVE.>>Stephen: AFTER BIG EVENTS
LIKE CONVENTION OR DEBATES.>>RIGHT.>>Stephen: WE JUST DID THE
STATE OF THE UNION LIVE.>>WHAT IS IT LIKE HERE WHEN YOU
GO LIVE. DOES THE ENERGY CHANGE?>>Stephen: YEAH. NORMALLY, WHEN YOU DO A SHOW YOU
COME IN ALWAYS LOOKING AT THE CLOCK. T(
THOSE HANDSxD AREÑi SPINNING. THE HOUR HAND IS SPIN SO FAST
BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU’VE GOT TO HIT EVERY MARK DURING THE DAY. IT’S LIKE THE WHEELS YOU SLICE
HAM ON AT THE GROCERY STORE, THAT’S HOW FAST THE CLOCK IS
GOING. BUT ON A LIVE SHOW IT’S LANG BID
BECAUSE YOU — LANGWID BECAUSE YOU GET IN EARLY AND PRETEND TO
BE READY FOR THE SHOW BECAUSE YOU’RE ONLY GOING TO TALK ABOUT
WHAT HAPPENS AN HOUR BEFORE THE SHOW, SO EVERYTHING GETS WRITTEN
IN THE LAST HOUR AND A HALF TO AN HOUR, AND SO, IT’S JUST —
IT’S KIND OF TORPOR AND THEN PANICKED ACTION, ADRENALINE
SQUIRTING AND I’M SURE, LIKE, COLLAPSING YOUR ORGANS. TAKING A YEAR OUT OF YOUR LIFE
TO GET IT RIGHT.>>Trevor: YOU DESCRIBED THAT
IN A SURPRISINGLY SEXUAL WAY. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: WHAT’S YOUR LIFE SHOW LIKE. DON’T YOUçó HAVE THAT SAME
EXPERIENCE?>>Trevor: PLEASE, I’M
INTERVIEWING YO+ LET’S MOVE ON.>>Stephen: UNLESS YOU PRETEND
TO BE LIVE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )>>Trevor: LET ME ASK YOU —
>>Stephen: MY LIFE’S AN OPEN BOOK.>>Trevor: DO YOU EVER HAVE A
FEAR THE LIVE SHOW WILL BE BORING BEFáQ YOU DON’T KNOWÑi
WHAT IT’S GOING TO BE LIKE. STATE OF THE UNION COMES AROUND. STATE OF THE UNION IS NOT
EXCITING. TRUMP IS EXCITING.>>Stephen: TRUMP ON PROMPTER
IS ALWAYS A WORRY.>>YES.>>Stephen: IF HE GETS UP
THERE AND JUST READS WHAT HE WAS TOLD TO READ, THAT THE WORRY IS
THAT HE’LL SEEM NORMAL. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN THERE’S NOTHING TO SAY BECAUSE —
>>Trevor: DO YOU HAVE A BACKUP PLAN?>>Stephen: ME?>>Trevor: FOR WHEN TRUMP
SOUNDS NORMAL.>>Stephen: PANIC. ( LAUGHTER )
NO, I HAVE FAITH SOMETHING WILL ALWAYS BE STRANGE. SOMETHING WILL ALWAYS BE LATE
ODD.>>Trevor: SOMETHING WILL
ALWAYS BE STRANGE.>>Stephen: IT’S THE NATURE OF
HIM, THAT SORT OF EL DUCHE, THIS ACTION —
( LAUGHTER )>>Trevor: THE HANDS. I LOVE THE HANDS.>>Stephen: MM-HMM. THIS THING.>>Trevor: YEP.>>Stephen: I LOVE WHEN HE
SAYS SOMETHING COMPLIMENTARY TO THE DEMOCRATS AND HE GOES, “AND
I BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE KILLED BY THEIR HEALTHCARE. ANYTHING? DID YOU LIKE THAT? WE SHOULDN’T ACTUALLY GRIND UP
POOR PEOPLE AND EAT THEM — ANYTHING? YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GIVE ME
ANYTHING?” ( LAUGHTER )
>>Trevor: LET ME ASK YOUÑi THIS —
( APPLAUSE )>>Stephen: THANK YOU.>>Trevor: THERE ARE A LOT OF
PEOPLE THAT TURN TO YOUR SHOW TO GET THE NEWS. WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR NEWS FROM?>>Stephen: BEFORE I GO TO THE
BED I LOOK AT THE “NEW YORK TIMES.” I LOOK AT DRUDGE TO SEE HOW THE
NEWS STORY IS BEING SPUN IN ONE DIRECTION, I LOOK AT ANOTHER TO
SEE HOW IT’S SPUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION, I LOOK AT REDDIT, AND
TWITTER TO SEE HOW THINGS ARE TWENDING.>>THAT’S WHAT THEY SHOULD CALL
IT.>>Stephen: AND I’LL CHECK HIS
TWITTER FEED TO SEE WHAT HIS MOOD IS IN THE MORNING, HOW
EXECUTIVE TIME WENT FOR HIM. HOW MUCH FIBER HE HAD THE NIGHT
BEFORE DETERMINES HOW MUCH EXECUTIVE TIME. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Trevor: THE WAY YOU PHRASE IT ALMOST MAKES IT SOUND LIKE
YOU CHECK ON HIM LIKE HE’S YOUR CHILD. I GO IN HIS ROOM AND CHECK HOW
HE’S DOING IN THE MORNING.>>Stephen: I JUST LOOK AT THE
NANNY CAM. THAT’S WHAT TWITTER IS WITH
TRUMP, THE NANNY CAM.>>Trevor: THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT
IT IS.>>Stephen: HE’S CRANKY, NOT
SLEEPING. ( APPLAUSE )
IS THIS MINE?>>Trevor: YES, WE USE IT FOR
ALL OUR GUESTS BUT IT’S YOURS FOR NOW.>>Stephen: OKAY.>>Trevor: CAN YOU TASTE
J. LO?>>Stephen: I’M NOT GOING TO
TOUCH THAT!>>Trevor:çó IT’S ALL THE GUESTS
YOU EVER HAD ON ONE CUP.>>Stephen: I’VE NEVER HAD
J. LO. SHE’S NEVER BEEN ON HERE.>>Trevor: ARE YOU SERIOUS?>>Stephen: I WOULDN’T JOKE
ABOUT THAT. HAVE YOU HAD J. LO ON YOUR SHOW?>>Trevor: TWICE.>>Stephen: ( BLEEP ) YOU. IS THAT TRUE?>>Trevor: TWICE, TWICE. ( LAUGHTER )çóçó
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )çó>>Trevor: AAAHHH! AAAHHH! AAAHHH!>>Stephen: THAT DOESN’T
BOTHER ME AT ALL. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Trevor: I WANT TO ASK YOU, YOU SAID YOU WERE AN OPEN BOOK. WHEN YOU STARTED HOSTING THIS
SHOW, A LOT OFçó PEOPLE WERE STRESSED THAT YOU WEREN’T GOING
TO SUCCEED.>>Stephen: ME, TOO.>>Trevor: RIGHT. AND, INITIALLY, REVIEWS CAME
OUT, LIKE, COLBERT’S LOST IT, THIS IS IT, HE SHOULD HAVE
STAYED ON HIS OLD SHOW, HE DOESN’T HAVE IT.>>Stephen: THEY WEREN’T THAT
HARSH. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Trevor: NO, YOU KNOW WHY — CAN I TELL YOU WHY —
>>Stephen: I DIDN’T READ THEM BUT —
>>Trevor: I REMEMBER THEY WERE THAT HARSH BECAUSE THEY
WERE SIMILAR TO MY REVIEWS. THAT’S WHY I REMEMBER THEM.>>Stephen: OH, YEAH, YEAH, I
REMEMBER THOSE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )Ñi J. LOçó MY ASS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>>Trevor: LET ME ASK YOU THIS, WAS THERE Añr POINT WHERE
YOU JEN WHRIN THOUGHT TO YOURSELF, I’VE MADE THE BIGGEST
MISTAKExD EVER? WAS THERE EVER A MOMENT WHERE
YOU HAD DOUBTS?>>Stephen: I THOUGHT THAT
THIS WAS ONE OF THE MOST AGONIZING THINGS I’VE EVER TONE.>>Trevor: RIGHT.>>Stephen: I NEVER THOUGHT
ABOUT THAT. I’VE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT
STOPPING. ( APPLAUSE )
I WORRIED THAT I HAD TAKEN SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL, WHICH WAS
SORT OF THIS NINE AND A HALF YEAR VERSION OF THAT
CHARACTER –>>Trevor: RIGHT.>>Stephen: SORT OF LIKE A
SELF-CONTAINED LITTLE SNOW GLOBE OF A SHOW, YOU KNOW.>>Trevor: RIGHT.>>Stephen: WHICH SORT OF AT
THE END OF IT WE REVEALED WAS A FIELD PIECE I WASÑi DOING FOR JO
AT THE END. IT WAS A NINE HALF YEAR FIELD
PIECE FOR JON. AND THAT WAS LIKE A LITTLE
PERFECT LITTLE GLASS TOY OR SOMETHING, I DON’T KNOW HOW TO
DO DESCRIBE IT, BUT A VERY DELICATE THING TO HAVE CREATED,
HOWEVER ODDLY WE DID IT. I THOUGHT, I COULD HAVE JUST
WALKED AWAY FROM THAT AND HAD THIS PERFECT LITTLE — KNOT
PERFECT IN EVERY CONCEPTION OR MOMENT OF IT, BUT KIND OF Añr
PERFECT BEGINNING, MIDDLE AND END OF A SITUATION. NOW I PUT MYSELF IN ENORMOUS
VULNERABILITY WHERE, TRANSPARENTLY, I TID NOT HAVEçóÑ
UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT I WAS DOING, AND THAT WORRIED ME THAT
WOULD BE MY LEGACY AND NOT THE LEGACY OF THE OLD SHOW, WHICH IS
NOT JUST MINE, BUT EVERYBODY ELSE WOULD HAVE WORKED ON IT. AND I NEVER IN A MOMENT IMAGINED
I WOULD STOP AND I NEVER LOST FAITH IN THE PEOPLE AROUND ME
BECAUSEçó I KNEW THESE ARE THE SAME PEOPLE AROUNDñr ME THAT
HELPED ME CREATE THEÑiñr FIRST THINGS.>>YEAH.>>Stephen: IT WASÑi MY JOBxD TO
CALM ( BLEEP ) DOWN AND GO BAC TO WORK TOMORROW.>>THERE WAS THE WEEK YOU WENT
NUMBER ONE IN THE RATINGS, AND THAT WAS A VICTORIOUS MOMENT FOR
THE STAFF, SHOW, EVERYONE. IT’S AN AMAZING MOMENT FOR THE
HOST. IT’S ONE OF THE SCARIEST MOMENT. A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK IT’S A
DUMB THING, BUT IT REALLY IS A SCARY MOMENT, BECAUSE IT’S NOT
JUST YOUR JOB, IT’S THE JOBS OF HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE ON THE SHOW.>>Stephen: SURE.>>Trevor: AND, STEPHEN, HERE
IT IS, FIRST TIME EVER, YOU’RE NUMBER ONE IN LATE NIGHT. HOW BIG WAS YOUR ( BLEEP ) DAY
>>Stephen: AGAIN, I MAX CAMERA. ( LAUGHTER )
THE ONLY THING IS WE BOUGHT EVERYBODY ON THE STAFF PIZZA. ( LAUGHTER )
>>YOU KNOW WHAT? THERE IS SOMETHING AT LATE NIGHT
STUFF THAT PIZZA HAS THE MOST POWERFULÑi EMOTIONAL — I’VE
TREATED THE STAFF TO EVERYTHING FROM SUSHI TO INDIAN FOOD TO —
BUT PIZZA DAY IS WHEN PEOPLE GO, YEAH, THIS IS THE GREATEST BOSS
IN THE WORLD. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: I THINK I KNOW WHY BECAUSE DOING A LATE NIGHT SHOW
IS A LOT LIKE MOVING INTO A NEW APARTMENT. IT CAN BE BRUTAL, GRUNT WORK TO
GET THE THING UP EVERY DAY, AND WHAT DO YOU GIVE YOUR FRIENDS
WHENçó THEY HELP YOU MOVE? YOU ORDER PIZZAS.>>SUSHI WOULD BE HORRIBLE.>>Stephen: SUSHI WOULD BE
HORRIBLE ON MOVING DAY. ALL THAT SWEAT AND STEAM.>>Trevor: YOU WANT TO TREAT
YOURSELF. HOW DO YOU TREAT YOURSELF? I DON’T SEE YOU OUT DOING RANDOM
( BLEEP ). DO YOU GO OUT AND DO THINGS?>>Stephen: I’ WHAT DO YOU DO?>>Trevor: I’M FLYING AROUND
RANDOM PLACES IN THE WORLD.>>Stephen: HOW OLD ARE YOU?>>Trevor: I’M 34 YEARS OLD.>>Stephen: ( BLEEP ) YOU! ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
DO YOU HAVE ANYÑiA5■ CHILDREN?>>Trevor: NO, STEPHEN.>>Stephen: I HAVE THREE
CHILDREN AND I’M 54 YEARS OLD! ( APPLAUSE )
>>Trevor: WHAT DOES THIS MEAN, STEPHEN?>>Stephen: I CAN’T EVEN HAVE
A GLASS OF WINE ON A SHOW NIGHT. YOU KNOW, I CAN’T EVEN DRINK
ANYMORE OR ELSE I WILL BE DEAD TOMORROW BECAUSE, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT WOULD BE FUN, TREVOR, THAT
WOULD BE FUN TO GO OUT, I WILL GO OUT WITH TREVOR AND WE’LL HIT
THE SCENE AND THE CLUBS AND IT WILL BE ME AND TREV AND J. LO
AND IT’S GOING TO BE GREAT! ( LAUGHTER )
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, TREVOR? YOU KNOW WHAT? THE NEXT DAY, I WOULDN’T DO THE
SHOW AT THE LEVEL I KNOW I COULD IF I HAD STAYED HOME. AND IÑi CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE
MORE THAN FUN.Ñi ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THESE PEOPLE, THEY ARE MY PARTY. THESE PEOPLE ARE ALL I CARE
ABOUT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )ñrñrçó
( BAND PLAYING )çóÑi>>Trevor: THE G)4t NEWS IS
THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT MY PEOPLE, THEY’RE YOUR PEOPLE, YOU DESERVE
EVERY ONE OF THEM. THANK YOU FOR COMING TO THE
SHOW. STEPHEN COLBERT, EVERYBODY! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK!C
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

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