Telenovelas Are Hell: Maria La Del Barrio


– [Narrator] Would you rather
get poisoned by a witch, go through two fires
in less than 24 hours, or have your firstborn stolen by a woman who sells sausages on the street? Well, folks, you don’t
need to make up your mind. Because in the 90s Mexican
telenovela, Maria la del Barrio, all those things happened to one person. And why is that? Well, because in a telenovela,
everyone’s life is hell. (dramatic music) (fire blasting) Maria’s life is straight up diarrhea. She’s poor as hell, she
makes money picking trash from the ground, and her entire family is dead, except for her godmother
who looks like a frog, and eventually dies in Maria’s
arms on her 15th birthday after choking on a piece of ham. Maria is left homeless and alone, until one of the richest
dudes in Mexico sees her, and is like hey Maria,
you’re a hot vulnerable teen, and I’m gonna adopt you
and be your daddy now. He takes her to live in his mansion, where she meets his wife, who’s like if you touch me with
those gross dirty fingers, I will call the police. In her new home, Maria gets
hooked up with a sick ass room that as a bidet, which
is like a little bathtub but only for your ass. She quickly meets her adopted
brother, Luis Fernando, who is a raging alcoholic
bro that likes to show off his rock hard breasts,
and she’s like you’re hot, and he’s like nice ass. And the two of them fall in love. Unfortunately, Soraya Montenegro, the villain of this telenovela, who is evil and a piece of shit, gets in the way of the couple. Soraya is so horny for her cousin, that she roofies him and convinces him to have nasty cousin intercourse with her, hoping that he’ll fall in love with her. Except he doesn’t, ’cause
all he can think about is how much he loves
his step sister Maria. If you’re gonna do incest, you
may as well skip your cousin and go directly for your step sister. Anyways, Soraya gets so pissed that she wants to kill Maria. Luckily, her nanny, who
happens to be standing around hears her and is like my side
hustle is doing witchcraft. So she prepares a poison
that will kill Maria. Maria drinks the shit
outta the poison water. Unfortunately for Soraya,
it doesn’t kill Maria. It just gives her diarrhea and makes her fart a bunch of pedos. (flatulence) When Soraya finds out
that Maria isn’t dead, she loses her god damn
mind and beats her nanny for not making the poison strong enough. This is next level crazy. One day later, some creepy ass dude that has a broken arm
for unexplained reasons, threatens Soraya. He’s like I know you
wanted to poison Maria. Gimme $50 or I’ll call the police. And she’s like hell no,
I’m not giving you $50. So, they fight and he
pushes her out the window. (screaming) She falls 20 stories onto
concrete with her shoe landing directly above her head
and well, she dies. Maria quickly gets knocked
up by her step brother, and you’re like yay Maria’s
life is finally good and happy. Except that doesn’t happen in telenovelas. Out of the blue, she
becomes schizophrenic, and runs away from the house. She gives birth to the baby
while in a catatonic state, and then roams the streets, mentally ill and talking to walls. Until she meets the lady
that sells sausages, and is like I’ll trade
you my baby for a sausage. And gives her newborn away. 14 years pass, and we know
this because Luis Fernando has grown a stunning stache that looks like it’s made out
of of flat ironed pubic hairs. We come to find out that
Maria and Luis Fernando’s son is alive, and he’s a ginger. Maria and Luis Fernando
get reunited with their son when he tries to rob their house, because he needs a little
extra money to buy weed. Even though she hasn’t seen
him since he was a fetus, Maria knows it’s her son. Look at that artistic shot. Tell me this wasn’t worthy of an Oscar. Okay, so remember when the
villain of this novela died, well, she didn’t die. She survived and married a super rich dude with a disabled daughter
with huge wet braces. She immediately has him
killed a super painless death, by having him run over by a semi truck, and inherits all his money. But is stuck caring for his daughter whom she abuses in one of
the most dramatic scenes in television history, where
she knocks over her wheelchair. Just when you think you
can’t handle any more drama, Maria goes to jail for a crime
which is never explained. As if her life wasn’t garbage enough, the prison immediately catches on fire, and Maria disappears into the flames. Maria doesn’t die in the fire of course, she survives, but is kidnapped by Soraya who takes her to a shack
which she then lights on fire. Yes, folks, that’s two
fires in one god damn day. Luckily, Luis Fernando just so happens to be standing near the
cabin and rescues her. They watch Soraya burn alive, and are like burn, queen, burn. One day later, everyone is super happy, and not traumatized at
all by the insane shit that’s just happened. And the disabled girl is walking again. The novela ends with Maria
announcing that she’s knocked up while she and her step brother suck face in front of this parrot. (slurping) (parrot squawking) The end. (happy music)

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