Mike Birbiglia Had To Ejaculate Into Tupperware | Netflix Is A Joke

Mike Birbiglia Had To Ejaculate Into Tupperware | Netflix Is A Joke


– And then he says, “But I’m
not worried about you, Mike, ’cause whatever happens,
whether you have a kid or not, it’s not gonna be better or worse. It’s just gonna be … new.” So Jen and I attempt to
conceive for eight months and it does not work, ’cause like I said, my body is a lemon. (crowd laughs) And my boys don’t swim, which killed me, ’cause if I had known that in my 20’s, I would’ve had a much better time. (crowd laughs) In my 20’s, I treated my
sperm like it was plutonium, like, don’t let that sperm
anywhere near those eggs! Like there’d be this infestation of tiny, neurotic, Mike Birbiglia toddlers, like, “Why would I slide down the slide when I can walk down the steps.” (crowd laughs) Turns out I do not have plutonium. I have flat soda and (crowd laughs) and my boys don’t swim,
which isn’t surprising. I mean, I don’t swim. (crowd laughs) I swim but in circles and I’m always ordering hot dogs at the side of the pool, which is not a quality
you want in your sperm, that hungry, lethargic quality. You want sperm to be like
“I swim from sea to sea!” Like the Ryan Lochte of sperm, without all the fake
robbery, but I found out (crowd laughs) ’cause I went to Doctor
Kaplan and he asked me to masturbate into a cup. I said, “That’s rude.” (crowd laughs) He said, “No, it’s a medical procedure, called masturbating into a cup.” (crowd laughs) I said “If it’s for
science, sure, I get that.” Two things about masturbating
into a cup at the doctor. I will limit it to two. (crowd laughs) I could talk about this for six hours. (crowd laughs) One. Everybody knows what’s happening. (crowd laughs) Everybody! Doctors, nurses, people
in the waiting room, UPS guy down the hall. You’re trying to play
it cool, you’re like, “Oh yeah, Brexit!” You know what I mean, just like, “Sea levels rising rapidly!” Everyone’s like “You’re about
to ejaculate in Tupperware.” (crowd laughs) And two. They give you porn and
it’s the most extreme porn I have ever seen. I was, like, “Easy, medical porn!” Like, yeah, here I was, all these years thinking
I’m taking in the USDA recommended levels of
porn, and they’re like (crowd laughs) “You’re gonna need a lot more than that. You’re gonna need it. Take a multi.” And so, I go in, and I do the thing, Doctor Kaplan calls me a few days later with the results. He says, “Mike, you’re
gonna have to come back in and masturbate into a cup.” (crowd laughs) Yeah, and now I’m like, “Is this a joke?” (crowd laughs) I mean, really, ’cause
I’m in the jokes business and actually, that would
be a pretty good joke, where you convince a
stranger to masturbate (crowd laughs) into a cup and then
you’re like “He did it!” (crowd laughs) and then they’re like, “He did?” “yeah, now what do we do?” “Ask him to do it again”.
“Ask him to do it again? Why would he do it again?” “I don’t know. I don’t know why he did
it in the first place! This whole thing is a sham!”

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